Utterly fed up. So nehh...
Feeling fairly lost, as though I don't know myself any more. This is mostly weight-related, I'm sure. Haven't weighed since last Monday, when I'd lost 3.5 pounds (down to 18st 9), but have been away at a conference for most of the last week, and am off to another one tomorrow (sigh). Haven't exactly been bad while away, but neither have I been particularly virtuous.
Have a feeling I need to re-establish some things about the kind of person I am, for my own sake. I'm now, presumably, somewhere between 18st 7 and 19st. That means there's at most, five stone between where I am right now - miserable, uncomfortable, vaguely paranoid that people think certain things about me because of the way I look - and the way I was when I was at my happiest.
When I was at my happiest - with clothes fitting and looking at least reasonable, joints not hurting, money going in the right direction etc, there were certain things I did, and certain things I didn't do. This restatement I think will help me reshape my own idea of who I am, and get me back to the version of myself I want to be.
I do get up early. I do not make excuses and roll over.
I do walk. I do not walk short distances, think "fuck it" and go home again.
I do not drink. Not puritanically, but simply practically and financially.
I do not eat or drink: sugar, cream, fried food, carbonated drinks.
I do eat a small, standard breakfast, not a large one.
I do eat fruit and vegetables for snacks throughout the day, rather than not eating and them "making up for it" at big mealtimes.
I do understand my disease (diabetes). I do not try to bargain or borrow "special circumstances" from it as though it is a sentient thing.
I do embrace the opportunity for additional exercise in each day. I do not shrink from it as though the avoidance of pain or inconvenience is a valid reason for anything.
I do go to the gym, regularly. I do not praise myself for not going and getting " a lot of work done" with the time I've saved.
That feels a little better, I have to say.
d's going out in a couple of hours, for a couple of hours. Am going to strap my walking boots on, as we actually have a window where it isn't absolutely pissing down, and at least feel like I know a little about myself again.
